I have a very important rule regarding free food: there is never enough.

During medical school, there were quite a number of organizations and associations – every one of them was given a small budget from the school and the rest they had to raise on their own. They would hold meetings with the enticement of “free pizza”, or at least it was usually pizza. It was often other stuff. But the one constant was that there was never enough. The second constant was that the meeting was going to be boring. Naturally it would be, though, for if it were exciting you would have come on your own accord.

Tonight, I had one such meeting. I am not precisely convinced I know what the topic was – there was an election for a position, and there was a boring lecture, and there was free food, but, as I’m sure I’ve already closed the loop, they ran out.

The meeting was held at a local country club (let’s just leave it at that).

I showed up late.

I ate somewhere between 1/2 and 3/4 pound of cocktail shrimp because that’s all that was left – that was edible. The other thing that was left looked like deviled egg centers presented on cucumber slices. As may be the case with deviled eggs, there appeared to be a patina on the outside of the dollop. I did not partake. I made my way to the giant bowl of ice. I used the provided disposable tongs to push away polar ice caps to reveal the leftover shrimp. Like the Goodwill and paleontology, good things come to those who dig.

Good cocktail shrimp should have the following qualities:

  1. Nice crisp bite with a consistent meat that is completely cooked.
  2. Should be well cleaned – no poop or legs or stray shell bits.
  3. A nice flavor but not fishy. Not even one bit.
  4. Be paired with lemon which should be unneccessary and a cocktail sauce which is needed not all of the time. Overusage of cocktail sauce indicates that the shrimp cannot exist on their own, like toast without butter.
  5. Properly chilled – should neither provide toothaches nor cause worry for bacterial gastroenteritis. If you’re going to err, do so on the side of excessive cold.
  6. Nearly no smell. No odor at all indicates that you’re being fed tofu, fishy smell indicates toxic contamination. Olfactory sensation is closely tied to taste – never ever ever forget that.

The shrimp were literally ice cold but at least they were well-cleaned. There were no entrails, legs, or other surprises. In the name of science I tried a few without sauce but they tasted dull and this was quickly remedied with a few slices of fresh lemon (which were also cleaned of core and seeds) and cocktail sauce. There are three components to every good cocktail sauce and they are listed in order of importance: 1. bite, 2. horseradish, 3. red vehicle. The red vehicle is, like, ketchup or something, who really cares? The purpose is to carry 1 and 2 into your mouth, onto your tongue, and down your throat. This sauce had #3 down pat. I guess there was horseradish, because there were chunks, but I found myself rather unimpressed. It is important to note that there can be too much of 1 and 2. The side effects may include (but are not limited to): lack of taste, inflammation, diarrhea, hemorrhoids, and an odd affection for anime, and no one wants that.

I was given a stack of drink tickets and obtained a glass of “red wine”. I was given “the American choice” of red wines: Merlot or Cabernet. When given that choice, I always shake my head in despair and go with the Cab. When given an actual choice, I order a proper red wine. Now, the more astute of you are thinking: why pair a red with cocktail shrimp? and the answer is that the only thing worse than American red wines are American white wines. They’re either so dry you’d use the term “cotton mouth” or they’re so sweet you understand diabetes on a new level (a personal level). There’s the secret third choice: pink Zinfandel. Or, as I like to call it: Almost-Boone’s. So I decided to forgo the proper pairing and choose the better wine and the better appetizer.

I have no idea what Cabernet Sauvignon I drank, and I’m not even convinced it merited a review. If I had to guess, I would have gone with the vintner being either Welch’s or Smucker’s. Either way, I ate my shrimp, I drank my Libby’s, and I shared my excess drink vouchers with someone more likely to cash them in.

I believe I mentioned there was a vote – both of my choices lost, which sucks. There are few things worse in the democratic process than knowing what is right, voting for it, and still losing. I guess what’s worse is having to choose between two things you really don’t want, like a Cabernet and a Merlot. After all, it is the American choice.

Le Sigh.